Things to Hold Me While I Sleep
by Books In the Blood
Summary: The Doctor noticed two seemingly unconnected things started happening at the same time; Clara stopped sleeping and his coat kept going missing. The Doctor had chalked it up to his forgetfulness until one night when he finds Clara is to blame for his coat going missing and the reason for it breaks his hearts.


Two strange things began to happen at the same time but they were so unseeingly unconnected that the Doctor could excuse himself for not seeing the connection sooner. The first of these was that his coat kept coming up missing.

The Doctor did forget things sometimes though he wouldn't admit it to his companions. He could understand if he misplaced his coat once or twice. When it kept happening though, several times, he was suspicious that he wasn't just being forgetful. He would be sure that he had left his coat somewhere during the day and not be able to find it later at night when he went to his room to wash up. Since it always seemed to return to him, in the console room or in the wardrobe, he didn't think too much of it. After all, thinking someone or something was taking his coat on purpose was just paranoid. Maybe he was just getting old and forgetful.

The second thing was that Clara started not sleeping. Humans spent so much of their lives sleeping; their bodies required so much rest. The Doctor always noticed it because the long hours of their sleep caused him to walk the TARDIS looking for amusement while they dreamed away their lives. Clara, he had noticed over the years, needed at least a good seven hours of sleep a night, more if their adventures had been particularly taxing. When she started sleeping only a few hours a night or discarding sleep altogether, he began to wonder why.

"Don't you need to sleep? You are malfunctioning" the Doctor had observed as Clara had fallen asleep one night during dinner, her face falling forward and missing her plate by inches.

"Uh…..sure" Clara had said, blinking back fatigue as she had dragged herself out of the kitchen. She seemed reluctant…scared almost. When the Doctor had gone to check on her, her bedroom door was locked and she wouldn't answer. So, he'd gone back to the console room to work on repairs and noticed his coat once again missing from the railing in the console room.

It wasn't until several days later that he finally saw the connection between the two. Clara had disappeared hours earlier and the Doctor went to the library to find something to read to pass the time until Clara would wake. He was surprised to find Clara in the library already; he was surprised even more to find her wearing his coat.

The Doctor's immediate reaction was astonishment; he thought about shaking Clara roughly awake. For weeks now he thought he was becoming forgetful of all things, that his great mind was actually slipping and it was all because of Clara taking his coat. Why would she? Better yet, why would she and not even ask? Just the fact that she was taking it and then secretly replacing it spoke volumes about something being wrong about it. At first, the Doctor had a burning, childish desire to pull the coat off of Clara and make sure she knew it was his and only his.

But the one thing that stopped him was how comfortable and relaxed Clara looked. Curled into a little ball on one end of the couch surrounded by his coat she looked just as young as she really was and the Doctor's anger dissipated. No…..he couldn't stay mad at Clara but that didn't mean that they weren't definitely going to discuss the coat stealing in the morning.

Doing something that he would never do if she were conscious and able to speak on the matter, the Doctor leaned down and scooped Clara into his arms as easily as he could manage without waking her.

"You know, you're not as light as I thought you'd be for so short a person" the Doctor said with some humor as he struggled down the hallway with her. He didn't really mean it; Clara was perfect. But she couldn't argue with him and he could only take advantage of that on rare moments.

The TARDIS accommodated him by opening the door to Clara's room so the Doctor could easily set her down on her bed. He had almost crept out of her room when he heard a voice behind him.

"Doctor?"

The Doctor turned around and saw Clara sitting up in bed looking uncertainly at him, half way between being asleep and awake.

"Just go to sleep, Clara" the Doctor prodded her gently but she was already rubbing her eyes awake.

"Did you carry me in here?" she asked, looking around her room. She started to smile as if the idea seemed to greatly amuse her.

The Doctor felt his cheeks color slightly; it wasn't that big of a deal and he didn't want her to think it did. "Yes I did. All of you and that stolen coat you're wearing" the Doctor said with some humor to direct the attention away from his overly kind action to her.

The Doctor thought that Clara might laugh or at least smile but she didn't do either. She blushed heavily and looked embarrassed. "I didn't steal it…..here, you can take it" Clara said, stuttering through her words with embarrassment. She shrugged off the coat with some difficulty and laid it on the bed.

"I've been going crazy looking for this for weeks. Why do you keep taking it?" the Doctor asked.

He thought it was an unassuming question, one he asked in a neutral voice but Clara's reaction was immediate. "I gave it back. Just forget about it; I won't take it again" Clara said, pulling her legs to her chest and looking away from him.

The Doctor wasn't that great at always sensing humans' emotions but even he could feel that something wasn't right with the way Clara was acting. "I'm not… _mad_ " the Doctor said carefully because he thought maybe Clara thought he was. "I'm just curious. What was the point of it?"

"Nothing! Just…..just let me go sleep, Doctor" Clara said, overly defensive and then a second later she seemed to deflate like a balloon.

Clara was staring down at the bed, the floor, anywhere but him and he hesitated. He had a sudden urge to run from the room and avoid the uncomfortableness that was sometimes humans' emotions. But he really didn't like Clara seeming so sad and he was still curious so he prodded her.

"Clara, is something bothering you?" the Doctor asked, as delicately as he could. He sat down on the bed next to her, his coat rumpled between them. He wasn't sure how much help he could be when he barely understood human emotions on the best of days but he knew he wanted to help.

The Doctor expected a fight, expected her to push him away or yell. She was so tired physically, and the Doctor suspected emotionally, that she simply gave in. "I…..I haven't been sleeping well lately." Clara admitted wearily.

The Doctor didn't think it was such a big revelation but Clara seemed to not like admitting it so he knew better than to say something rashly. "You could have told me. There are many remedies for insomnia" the Doctor started in a voice he thought was very helpful before Clara cut him off by continuing.

"No, I can go to sleep…..I just don't want to" Clara said, flinching slightly as if fearful. "Every time I go to sleep I have nightmares. Terrible nightmares."

The Doctor nodded slowly. He couldn't understand at first why anyone would afraid of mundane sleeping but when Clara said nightmares he understood. This version of himself wasn't so badly affected by nightmares but some of his incarnations were horribly plagued by them. It could make sleeping a living hell.

"I'm…..sorry" the Doctor said. He felt bad for Clara but uncomfortably out of his element too. "Would you…like to…tell me about it?"

The Doctor never wanted to tell anyone his nightmares; they were too personal. But he thought that maybe Clara was different; she seemed to want to talk about everything.

Clara was silent and staring down for so long that the Doctor thought she wasn't going to tell him. Eventually, she broke the silence, her tone so quiet she was almost whispering.

"Ever since Missy put me in that Dalek….I keep dreaming about it" Clara said. "I don't know why…I mean, it wasn't _that_ bad. I just….I had this weird feeling that I wasn't going to be able to get out and I began to get panicked. I thought about how terrible it would be if I never could get out. I felt…powerless"

Clara seemed ashamed and the Doctor was just about to open his mouth to tell her that she had no reason for being upset at being mentally linked with the Daleks but she plowed on, getting louder and louder.

"Every time I close my eyes, I'm in that cold, metal cage" Clara said, her eyes wide and fearful. "I feel so much loss and emptiness and hate…I know it's not mine but I feel it all the same. Every time I sleep I'm a Dalek and I know I never will escape. I watch in horror as I kill people…my family…..my students…you" Clara paused, looking like she wanted to cry but she didn't. "I kill and kill, sick at my own actions…..until I'm not. Eventually I start to burn with hate and I like the killing….it always ends with me enjoying it."

The Doctor was so taken aback he didn't know what to say. The idea that Clara could enjoy killing was hard to believe but he could see it felt real to her by the fear in her eyes. He must have taken too long to respond because Clara wrapped her arms around herself as if to hug herself. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have said that." She said, clearly mortified.

"No…..no" the Doctor said quickly, not wanting her pull away. "You don't have to be sorry. Being inside a Dalek…thinking like one…that's no picnic. I know…its normal to have nightmares after an event like that. I know it's troubling though."

"But…..the killing….it feels so…..real" Clara said. She looked so small, so scared that the Doctor couldn't help but reach out toward her. He didn't really understand what he was planning on doing until his arm was already around her. She gratefully leaned into his touch, making it impossible to get away. He heard her sniffle against his hoodie and he didn't look to see if she was crying; he didn't think she'd want him to.

"Clara…..you are good. You are a good, kind person" The Doctor said honestly, feeling better about helping her, the awkwardness melting away. "You would never kill anyone in real life. That's just a side effect of the Dalek consciousness. But I wish you had told me sooner; I could have given you something to help with dreamless sleep."

"I didn't know…I just….was making due" Clara said quietly, still nestled against his chest.

The Doctor and Clara sat in silence for several minutes, still nestled closer than they ever really had been. The Doctor couldn't think of anything to say but he sensed that it was somehow alright. Maybe, just being there was enough, odd as it was. At the very least, Clara felt relaxed against him and she wasn't sniffling anymore.

"Clara…what does the nightmares have anything to do with you taking my coat?" the Doctor asked after several minutes had passed. He thought maybe he shouldn't have asked but he was yet again curious.

Clara paused. "Don't laugh" she said, hiding her face a little more against him.

The Doctor personally thought that some of the best, funny things started with 'don't laugh' but he didn't say that. "I won't laugh" the Doctor said, hoping it was a promise he could keep.

Clara hesitated for a long while, not moving away from his chest so he could look at her. "You coat…it smells like you" she finally said, her voice quiet and hesitant.

"Well of course it does, I wear it all the time" the Doctor said bluntly before he could stop himself. It was so hard sometimes, in this form, to stop things from bursting from his mouth without thinking about them first.

"I know" Clara said, seeming embarrassed again but she still carried on with what she was saying. "I like that it smells like you; it's comforting. When I wear it, it smells like you, makes me feel like you're there. I know that sounds stupid….But I don't have nightmares when I wear it"

Silence fell between them at Clara's admission. At first, the Doctor didn't know what to say. He did feel like laughing but not because he thought it was stupid, just out of sheer uncomfortableness. The Doctor wasn't very good with feelings and emotions but he was sure that this was coming dangerously close to the line of things they just didn't talk about. Sometimes the Doctor felt there was more between him and Clara than he could explain; it was more than she would talk about. The idea that his scent was comforting to her or that she knew what his scent was at all was part of that 'more'.

"Why didn't you just tell me that?" the Doctor asked. Maybe she could explain the strange feeling that he was beginning to feel, warm and needy inside of him by explaining she had it too.

"Don't you think it's…..creepy? Weird? I don't know; I was embarrassed" Clara said honestly.

"It's not weird. I'm…glad it can help you" the Doctor said slowly and carefully. He felt like there was more to say; more he wanted to say but he knew it wasn't the time. He felt the burning need to tell Clara that he could comfort her when she had nightmares; that he wanted to help her more than his coat. But he wasn't ready to say that either. There was, however, one thing he knew he could say.

"Clara, I don't want you to feel that you can't tell me things that are bothering you" he said honestly. "I know sometimes I laugh or say something stupid…but that's really only because I don't know what to say that's right. I do care. I don't….I don't want you to have to be alone and feeling bad."

The Doctor was glad that the words came to him, awkward as they were. He really hadn't known what else to say and he was grateful something came out. Talking about feelings was so out of his comfort but he hated the idea of Clara suffering alone because she was embarrassed to tell him something she had no reason to be embarrassed about.

"Here…take the coat" the Doctor plowed on because Clara still hadn't spoke and it was killing the Doctor, fearing he'd made her more uncomfortable. He placed the coat on her shoulders and she shrugged into it. "Keep that as long as you need it. You obviously need it more than I do"

Clara's cheeks tinted but she smiled. When she still didn't say anything after several moments the Doctor couldn't take the silence anymore. "Did I mess it up? Did I make it more embarrassing?" he asked.

Clara's grin got wider as she leaned in and gave him a tentative hug. The Doctor felt something inside of him melt, as if he needed the touch as much as she did. "You didn't mess anything up." Clara assured him. "This helps a lot. Thank you."

"Well…..glad to be of help." The Doctor said. Clara hadn't let go of her hold on him and he wasn't in any hurry to let go of her as he felt relief wash through him.


End file.
